Jan 13 2012
What do you think of my very first chapter introduction? Honestly, does it fly or sinks like a stone in water?
Issue by Hindi Sad Diamonds: What do you assume of my initial chapter introduction? Truthfully, does it fly or sinks like a stone in h2o?
[T stands for the town's identify, which is fabricated because I could not come across the perfect area in the States for the later on circumstance. This is the introduction to a trilogy. I need to envision a ideal, poor, small town]
Honest CRITICISM ENCOURAGED. thanks 
T is a tiny town. T, meaning you must shield your eyes when the wind commences collaborating with dust. And they do get a great deal of dust, mainly simply because of the proximity and amount of streets pulsating about the city like adrenaline-laced jugulars.
Ironically, T is such a bad spot they select walking as their primary indicate of transportation. But the town alone is essentially 4 times the size of a big trailer camp.
Not a lot of new properties, two restaurants, lots of fuel stations and bars. The bars have arcades, to let doing work fathers to bond with their youngsters exactly where they can observe their highest scores from in which they’re sitting, guzzling discounted beer prior to dinner time.
The elementary college is near. The closest higher college is an hour’s really worth of walk thirty minutes of jog north down the active highway. There is small interest in school edification.
The heart of T is a collection of RVs, Course A and B motor households, Luton bodies, truck campers and static caravans, Datsuns with teardrop trailers, and hybrids. Males in their forties previously receiving pension, disabled and large family members are on welfare. The phrases like Very good Sam Club and slide-toppers are hackneyed and everyday.
When the sun reaches the pinnacle of its height folks sunbathe like lizards on warm tombstones. Down on rocking benches and white-plastic garden chairs, they socialize with the neighbors whilst finding a tan. Guys rub their brows hunched above the day’s mailbox material, females grab their chests although reading tacky romance novels younger boys practice studying on spaghetti westerns.
The scent of poverty is strongest in the early morning mildew, bacon and inexpensive cigarettes muddle up with gasoline, paint thinner and aerosol. The common mentality is that of coma clients creating peace with their fate. Lifestyle is excellent. At least the husbands are utilized, the state gives for the needy, the kids are wholesome, the neighbors are great people and there is absolutely nothing wrong with the weather.
No major cities are this good. Then once more, T in no way had Jackie S instructing the vampire minority politics, or highly intelligent thoughts readers using over MENSA. T never ever was the scorching spot of an equal legal rights movements, and there have been no expensive boarding colleges for excellent kids preferring its scarce landscape about the shores of New England or the Connecticut Appalachians.
In New York City no person even cares searching outside the window to admire the pristine blue sky. They’re much also active possessing head aches and consuming issues to enjoy the simplicity of sun in the early morning.
…
That’s it. Did you like it? You get 10 points, obviously. I am no cheapskate. We all want to generate people effortless points )
Sorry if the ‘T’s throwing you off. I have a actually good identify, I’m kinda hesitating to expose it ahead of the book’s printed and sitting in front of me 
Oh, it can be a plain title, anyways. Feel what you like. It can be the tiny city of Tentacles, if you like.
Very best solution:
Solution by Katie
I like it. You have a very good composing fashion, extremely descriptive.
What do you assume? Answer under!
Tags
30ft 1999 2000 2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010 2011 Accessories Camper camping class Classic Coachmen Cover Diesel fifth Fleetwood Forest Four HAULER Heartland home Jayco journey Keystone like motor Motorhome Popup River Sale Slides Sportsmen tent/ TRAILER travel Used Wheel Winds Winnebago
I love this intro. I think it could be great. When you get a second chapter post it I would love to read it.
The ‘T’ thing was kinda throwing me off but other than that it was epically good!
that is soo good!
you are very descriptive.
I could practically see it in front of me.
very amazing :]
your a natural.
JupiterRose :]
very good, excellent writing style, great descriptions. the T thing was a bit confusing but once you get the name of the town in there it will be better.
the last two paragraphs confused me with the vampire minority politics but if it was reworded or elaborated on later it would be fine.
keep going its very good so far.
It’s good, although some phrases seem to jar a bit and might need polished.
adrenaline-laced jugulars
- there is not enough made of the road traffic in the first paragraph to use ironically in the next paragraph.
Welfare is limited to at 2 – 5 years so families can’t live on it long term, and I don’t know any company that allows pensions at 40.
I’m not too sure about the word edification – it has implications of elderly influence.
I don’t understand your last two paragraphs. You seem to have wandered out of areas that you know.
Many people recommend keeping a writers sketchbook to write quick descriptions of people, activities, scenery, conversations, etc. and then using those real-life descriptions to expand into a story.
I like this better than most of the writing left on this site. But you are limiting your audience by being too parochial. Far too many inconsistancies, unclear vision. Do you have a real town in mind? If not, do so. Have you been there? If not, do so. Lacks the reality to convince and hold the reader. You wanted honest. If you posted this to get your ego stroked, don’t read below.
[Ironically] [why ironic?], T is such a poor place they choose walking as their main mean of transportation [what is connection between poor and walking? Cannot afford cars? Such a small place is more plausible]. [But] the town itself is [basically] four times the size of a large trailer camp [does everyone know what a trailer camp is? Trailer Park?].
Not many new houses, two restaurants, [plenty – be specific. Very small town so you can count them] of gas stations and bars. The bars have arcades, to allow working fathers to bond with their children [connection difficult to see] where they can observe their highest scores [of what?] from where they’re sitting, guzzling discounted beer prior to dinner time [unclear].
The elementary school is near. The closest high school is an hour’s [worth of] walk; thirty minutes of jog [ugh. You are taking this on-foot thing too far now. I am closing the book and look for another at this point] north down the busy road. There is little interest in college edification [trite].
The heart of T is a collection of RVs, Class A and B motor homes, Luton bodies, truck campers and static caravans, Datsuns with teardrop trailers, and hybrids [I do not know what most of these are. Will your readers?]. Men in their forties already receiving pension [you mean 50s?], disabled and big families are on welfare [why? Laid off? Factories closing? What?]. [The phrases like Good Sam Club and slide-toppers are hackneyed and everyday] [no idea what this is. delete].
When the sun [reaches the pinnacle of its height] [did you really write this? Delete NOW] people sunbathe like lizards on warm tombstones [dust and trailer homes and everyone is out sunbathing? inconsistent message]. [Down] on rocking benches and white-plastic garden chairs, they socialize [vague. where is the life in your writing? what's the hurry?] with the neighbors while getting a tan. Men rub their brows hunched over the day’s mailbox material, women grab their chests while reading tacky romance novels [now this is better; the only inspired sentence so far] ; young boys practice reading on spaghetti [does your audience remember the Italian Western genre?] westerns [this has to be set in the 50s otherwise they would be playing on their DSs and PSPs].
The smell of poverty is strong[est] in the morning; mildew, bacon and cheap cigarettes muddle up with gasoline, paint thinner [why this?] and aerosol [smell of aerosol? clarify]. [The general mentality is that of coma patients making peace with their fate??] [nonsensical, unbelievable. delete] . Life is good [so far it sounds quite bad to me. are you romanticising poverty? this is how rich people like to write poverty. Try some Steinbeck]. At least the husbands are employed [on pensions?], the state provides for the needy [is life good for them too?], the children are healthy [poverty breeds tough healthy kids? Please], the neighbors are good people [what does this mean? vague and non-descriptive] and there’s nothing wrong with the weather [you can do better than this].
No major cities are this positive [what you have described is not positive]. Then again, T never had Jackie S [who?] teaching the vampire minority [what is this?] politics, or highly intelligent mind readers [? Mind readers? MENSA isn’t about telepathy] taking over MENSA. T never was the hot spot of an equal rights movement [clumsy], and there [were] [are?] no costly boarding schools for exceptional youngsters preferring its scarce landscape over the shores of New England or the Connecticut Appalachians [unclear and parochial].
In New York City nobody [nobody? this is arrogant and silly] even cares looking outside the window to admire the pristine [?] blue sky. They’re far too busy having headaches and eating disorders to enjoy the simplicity of sun in the morning [trite, condescending and annoying].
YOUR EMAILED RESPONSE:
Message: Notably, I have gone through the trouble of reading your scrutinizing feedback on my written piece. Of course, I didn’t feel at all perky afterward. But I should have grown some backbone by now.
You really have gone through a lot of trouble to break down every morsel of the text in order to tweak it to your liking. Perhaps you haven’t yet had a chance to understand that every writer has his/her own writing style. I am rather fond and confident of my own. However, I didn’t post the question just to ‘get my ego stroked’.
Firstly, to reply truthfully to your confusion regarding some sentences;
-Good writers, and I do consider myself a good writer (as egoistic this might strike you), do extensive research to come off knowledgeable about a field they do not know, as I did with mobile homes. I thought of them as trailers, always. But probably the people who live in trailers call them differently. Thus I wanted to speak like them.
-I can’t visit the places I write about. I have nor the funding nor the desire to travel to USA and go risk my life in the Nevada desert. I have Google Map for that. Other thing; I am not a native speaker. Far from it. I’m Croatian, my second language is German. I believe I speak English well enough to fool anybody, wouldn’t you say?
-The only line which caught your interest is the only line which I don’t exceptionally like. Funny, no? I thought it was sort of dense.
I look forward to your reply and any apology you might feel like disperse. Bye.
MY RESPONSE:
You want an apology for telling you what any editor worth her salt would tell you? Ha
Your ego was bruised so you fail to see how to improve your work. How amateurish. With that attitude you are wasting your time and mine.
EDIT: Don’t excuse your poor writing by telling me English is not your first language.